Serendipity

All the while I thought I had a major part to play, and today I realised it wasn’t so after all. I feel more intense than before, questions are running in my head once more.

I’m too tired to think. The storm was already stirred before the sky turned dark. Were the water droplets in the rain clouds waiting for their carrier to break loose and be the bad guy to cause the rain and storm?

I simply cannot fathom how the water droplets could have made everyone believe that the storm hadn’t begin when drops of rain had already drizzled down to earth.

Why did the droplets force themselves to stay put in the cloud when some had already escaped? The clouds are grey. Many people see the grey clouds as the ones responsible for the storm, but the storm already began before the sky turned dark.

This is a cause and effect thing. I have seen so many colours lately, soon there would be enough to form a rainbow.

*****

5th person in Friendster to leave a message to befriend me. I’m not even slightly amused.

goes around…

No worries, this post is not going to be of a vindictive nature. Things have been going through my mind in the past few days, and after talking it through to a few of my buddies, some of which I’ve never chatted in so much depth with, I feel so much better. =)

It is my first time that a relationship failed for reasons beyond two persons, I’m still learning to cope with it. Bleak as it seems, I’ll not resort to doing silly things or feel revengeful.

Just remember, what comes around, goes around. If people are willing to sacrifice a friendship for a relationship that might not even work out, it’s good to see their mentality before it’s too late.

Seriously, it’s not too big of a price to pay for me, since I got to see the true colours of someone who took away something that did not belong to me anymore. If I say I’m not hurt, I would be lying to you. If I say I have gotten over the whole thing, I would be lying to you as well.

Upon these few days of self-reflection, I know I wasn’t of girlfriend material, and this outcome is somewhat predictory. He treated me well, and that is something I’ll always remember. =) There are tons of things that would remind me of him, though the person is gone from my side, I’ll always remember the care and love he showed. =) The love for him has transcend beyond tangible possession. Hence, I’ll wish him happiness in what he’s seeking now. =) If our love made you and me a better person for the next relationship, isn’t it a good thing?

They say you learn something new from each new experience, and it’s true, I do learn something. =)

Like Noel said, love in the recent years has become too much of a materialistic nature, it is not as simple as it was before. Timing and trust are the two most important characteristics in any relationship, platonic or not.

Previously I was self-blaming for the "timing" issue, like why I had rejected when my heart says to go for it, but now I do realise, that it’s not my fault for letting go [of his hands?]. What’s yours, will be yours eventually. Even if we were back together, things that are supposed to happen, would still happen, right? Hehe.

I believe they had already fallen for each other long before I regained singlehood, in a way, I’m their matchmaker. If things really work out between them eventually, I should be glad. Afterall, it’s better to let go for happiness to follow the one I loved. =) I have a friend whose good friend "stole" his girlfriend and in the end they got married, have a happy marriage and some kids. Why make 3 people miserable when you can have all 3 of them happy [given enough time]? =)

No doubt, it is indeed going to take me some time to get over this, and it’s certainly going to take more than 2 weeks, but time heals all wounds. I reiterate, time…heals…ALL…wounds!

*****

It’s interesting to follow through a relationship from a third-party’s perception. People break up for the same reasons they got together for. You love someone for her ability to care and show selfless concern for you, when you break up, it’s because of her possessiveness.

You love someone who’s very well-liked and popular, but you all break up because of her not having too much time for you. Get what I mean? ;D

And I quote Noel [again], "love cannot be defined, it isn’t about why, or what makes you like or love a person".

It goes beyond gender, demography, tangibility. It is not a scoresheet where you would judge how much you love a person. "This person has this xxx trait, let’s add some points for him".

"This person has yyy trait, yucks, let’s minus some points!"

Love is about the holistic completeness and acceptance for who their partners are. Haven’t you heard some people say that they would not prefer their partners to have certain traits, but when they truly found the people they love, their criteria get stashed away?

*****

I’ve told you that this is affecting me so much that I cannot work anymore, part of it is true to a certain extent, but the other part of my decision is because I want to nurse back my health.

Coming from where I work where the people are seriously very demanding, and my tendency to inflict self-stress, I ought to take a break from work and do the things I enjoy doing, and catch up with friends, family and such.

Stress is increasing my blood pressure, and in turn, causes my immune system to break down, and letting me fall sick easily. When I fall sick, I cannot complete my work and this brings in more stress! Vicious cycle, eh?

*****

I’ll let nature take its own course, and I’ll learn to let go. =) It’s not going to be soon, but since I’ve thought things through, there’s no point in holding onto something when there’s no reciprocation!

I’ll definitely enjoy this freedom. =) And for you, my darling, the one that I so loved, happiness and good health are two things that I want from you. Since I’m not capable of giving these to you, I’m sure you are right to seek them elsewhere. Just know that I’ve never regretted loving you, and will continue to do so, as a friend. =) I love all my friends, even those who betrayed me, for it gives me an experience that I’ll learn how to deal with, in the future. =) Thank you.

I’ll leave everything as it is. Winning is not that important, after all. =)

It must be true that people tend to feel low when they are sick. I must have been sick because of the rain that drizzled on me on Sunday morning.

Came home feeling all sore [litterally] and tired, plus a little demented, too.

I’m becoming more of a liability to the company rather than an asset, because of the recent leave [to accompany my mum to the polyclinic] and also because of the monthly MC. -.-" But a portion of them are, should I say, avoidable?

Wanted to go for a checkup, and felt it was a good chance today, since I took the day off, and my mum was going to the polyclinic to collect her x-ray. As it turns out fine, she was diagnosed with just a bad rheumatism. But it is good that she is on her regular dosage of calcium for the bones.

Anyway, I vomitted once yesterday, and felt nauseous for the whole of today. That was/is coupled with a headache, a sore throat and a bad cough. The muddle-headed me forgot about the sore throat, and now my medication is only for my nauseant feeling and fever. -.-"

Felt so demoralised with things as they are lately. Most people tend to take their closer friends/family granted, but are afraid to leave bad impressions in front of people whom they are less acquainted with. Shouldn’t it be the opposite?

*****

I cannot go for my checkup today, since the reading won’t be accurate since I am sick. Have to go back 2 weeks later. Sigh.

*****

But I’m starting to develop a phobia towards my job. It’s piling up, and everyone depends on me when they can’t finish something, who can I turn to? It’s the vicious cycle of pushing responsibilities, but I’m the one who ends up with the shit eventually.

*****

I feel so jelly-like, my fingers are turning into water. I wonder how did Sunday’s balloon popping event go? Didn’t go because I was too tired and lazy, shall read Regina’s [aka Mousey] blog later. =P

How do I,
Get through one night without you?
If I had to live without you,
What kind of life would that be?
Oh, I need….
I need you in my arms, need you to hold,
You’re my world, my heart, my soul,
If you ever leave,
Baby you would take away everything good in my life,
And tell me now
How do I live without you?
I want to know,
How do I breathe without you?
If you ever go,
How do I ever, ever survive?
How do I, how do I, oh how do I live?
Without you,
There’d be no sun in my sky,
There would be no love in my life,
There’d be no world left for me.
And I,
Baby I don’t know what I would do,
I’d be lost if I lost you,
If you ever leave,
Baby you would take away everything good in my life,
And tell me now,
How do I live without you?
I want to know,
How do I breathe without you?
If you ever go,
How do I ever, ever survive?
How do I, how do I, oh how do I live?
Please tell me baby,
How do I go on?
If you ever leave,
Baby you would take away everything,
I need you with me,
Baby don’t you know that you’re everything,
Good in my life?
And tell me now,
How do I live without you,
I want to know,
How do I breathe without you?
If you ever go,
How do I ever, ever survive?
How do I, how do I, oh how do I live?
How do I live without you?
How do I live without you baby?
- Leann Rimes (How do I Live)

For you. =)

My last shot. They say the process is more important than the end result. Like Superstar, only one person gets the recording contract, there are no consolation prizes, but they learn something about this experience. =)

I know I have been a very spoilt brat, and something happened recently kind of jolted me and gave me a calling. I’m starting to feel very positive about all these. Sometimes, people don’t learn until they have a setback.

*****

That reminds me of something I’ve read. Joan Yap is a girl, who lost her family members in a crash-explosion some years back. She later became a paramedic, aspiring to help people get out of their predicament.

In one of her blog posts, she wrote about some tricks a paramedic taught her about breaking the sad news to family members when the deceased was obviously dead.

"One of the tricks of trade a paramedic once taught me on breaking the news (especially when the person is obviously dead but the relatives just hope maybe you’ll do a raise Lazarus miracle) is to drop hints slowly. The first of the hints start when you arrive at the body side and u see a flat line on your asystole but commence cpr anyway… this is where you go "I’m sorry, your dad/mum/ whoever has no pulse.. we are trying our best." It is also a good time to observe the reactions of family members. Calmer ones are of course easier to handle. It also gives you some time to think about what to say to those who start wailing and go hysterical. The last thing you want is a DOA on hand and have another patient to convey."

Breaking the news slowly is indeed a slightly better way than just to tell the family members "your dad/mum/whoever is dead, there’s nothing we can do." straightaway, even when he or she is already deceased before you provided aid.

I was told that in our case, those aren’t hints. I’m glad they aren’t, and do let me have a last shot at it. =)

*****

Yesterday I went out with my JC erhu group girls for a KTV and crapping session. Halfway through, I got very affected by a certain truth, I literally croaked when I sang. Tears welled up, and I just couldn’t concentrate on singing. All I did was to keep looking at my mobile, hoping to receive some text messages.

It kind of made me regret that I dragged on, hoping to give myself some time to lull over it, when I already had the intention to accept things just as they were.

It’s true, I don’t know how to show my care and concern, perhaps 14 months is nothing compared to one, but still, I’d like to try.

Pisceans are the group of people who will shower care and concern whenever they feel that the person is worth their time and effort. Not saying that they are doing this out to gain anything, but when they think it’s worth it, they’ll do anything. =) You don’t know the power of a Piscean. =)

Anyhow, I’ve digressed. I sang a few songs, and I think I kind of hogged the mic towards the front part of the KTV session and the last part. There was one song by Jolin Tsai which I sang, that Judy, one of the blur sotongs, told the other girl holding the mic to "turn off the analog". I consider that a compliment, that she didn’t know I was the one singing instead of the original singer. Heh.

Some of them have very sweet voices, like Judy, Weeyin, and it was the first time I heard them sing! They kept saying that my voice doesn’t suit me -.-" because it’s sounds too sweet for me. I consider this a criticism. -.-" Hehe.

I kind of expected them to ask why I didn’t join Superstar, to which I reply, "I don’t have the qualifications lah!" Qualifications in this sense is not about academic wise, but about the star quality and whatnot.

But PartyWorld does have a competition, and the entrance fee is $20 [solo/group]. It’ll be fun to join, anyone? =P

Maybe I’ll get through one round, and then get kick out thereafter. Hehe.

*****

They went to ArtFriends [where SR is working at] later, and we got to see how some things can be priced so dearly when they are just a sheet of embossed plastic. It’s weird, but I kept thinking of gift ideas for that particular someone. It has become quite a innate thing, perhaps? =)

Walked around at Kinokuniya, and saw the JK Rowling’s Harry Potter and the half blood prince book. Those fanatics are really insane! They can order the books so many weeks in advance, and then rush to buy it when it first launched. What’s the hurry?! Wait one year and the price drops to $17. Heh.

The book is priced at $45 plus, and I thought the black hardcover looks nicer. I find the blue cover too kiddy. Glad to know you had the same thoughts as me. =)

I’m not a person who reads, but I’m willing to read that thick book! =) Heh.

*****

I suggested to go for some drinks at Acid Bar, but some of the girls had financial constraints [still waiting for employment] and such, and we ended up at Orange Julius. SR and I didn’t order any drinks, because she was fine with the idea of having some drinks, since it was a long time since she last had some.

At 11pm, we bade farewell to the rest of the girls, and SR and I walked to Acid Bar. Surprisingly, it didn’t have so much people as compared to the last time I went, and mind you, it’s a weekend!

SR saw Fiona Xie at the bar counter having drinks with a guy wearing green and white stripes shirt. Interestingly, no one else was sitting next to them! And at one time when Fiona [Wah, like I know her very well] walked out of the bar, she bumped into me when she came back. Close brush with an actress? Hehe.

She kept portraying herself as someone who’s very conservative in thinking and traditional in her behaviour, but she really comes across as someone who’s rather wild and parties. No offence.

Anyhow, SR got to know the whole long story, and I knew something from her as well. =)

Ordered Lychee Martini [wonder who could get drunk over such stuffs?] and Blue Lagoon. I think I have yet to reach the stage where I’ll get tipsy and have blood gush to my cheeks. Spent $70-$80 for the whole day, hope I don’t get addicted to drinking at pubs. Heh. It’s too expensive for someone as poor as me. But I’m suspecting that I could hold my "liquor" well [for a beginner] as my Mum had fed me with "Milo & Martel cocktail" when I was younger, to improve my asthma. I wonder what my limit is? Definitely not Lychee Martini, I guess. =)

"The lychee should be the one to intoxicate a person, because it has been soaked for eternity."

*****

Didn’t sleep for the whole of yesterday night, and somehow created a disaster in the kitchen. It’s funny how things turn out when you least expect it. =)

*****

For something totally unrelated, the other day I overheard 2 female commuters talking about blood type. Specially, which blood types of parents will produce offsprings of which blood type.

They claimed that parents with type A and B would never give birth to a "O" type child. My Biology may be lousy, but that was my strongest topic! Type A can be defined by AA or AO. Similarly, B can be defined as BB or BO.

So when you cross them, you’ll get AO, AB, BO, OO. For AB and O blood types, they are only restricted to AB and OO respectively. Whereas A and B is more diversed!

That explains why my family members are all B types, and I’m an O, a universal donor. Hehe.

*****

On another totally unrelated issue, I think I’m the kind who’s easily excited. I’ll satisfy easily with food, and new things seem to surprise me all the time! I saw the packets of tissue paper my mum bought, and I got so surprised over it.

They made spoofs of movie titles on their tissue papers, and some of them were like, "Mouse Park", "A Frog’s Life" and etc. The design totally resembles the actual movie posters! I was gonna include some photos here, but I’m too lazy to snap any, so I’ll leave the appearance of those tissue packets to your imagination.

How could anyone be so self-righteous when you’ve done something that’s ethically wrong [when you knew for sure that I still feel the same]? It might be logically sane, and acceptable, but there’s no cause for self-righteousness.

Harbouring thoughts of assasination is a criminal "behaviour", and it is still a wrong to slash a person after he has died [not caused by you], though you would not be beheaded, but it’s still morally and ethically wrong, do you get me?

I took the plunge and [let the hairdresser] snipped off my bangs. I look like a freak now. Perhaps that’s a little too exaggerating, I guess, but with so many friends saying they prefer my previous hairstyle, it’s making the bad haircut worse. =/

For those anticipating a new photo of me and my new, shorter [and slanted] bangs and tresses, my apologies, there won’t be any.

Went out with Meifang [who has to work on Saturdays] to Funan the IT Mall for a $16.80 haircut at Kimage, which turned out to be quite disastrous for the both of us after all.

On my way there, I heard this percussion troop playing with their drums, and went forward to take a look as well as a photo. Anyone knows where this group came from? They were quite good at it! I could never get my tempo right if I were given a set of drums to play with. =P

Settled our dinner at VienTai, a vietnamese restaurant right smacked in the middle of Marina Square’s second floor [I think]. For once, I was the one who gave the directions [for those not in the know: I'm a directional idiot] to the eating places as well as the theatre.

Initially we wanted to catch a movie, but the timing was way too off for our liking. In the end we decided to take the expensive speed bus 502 home. 1.5 hours isn’t exactly speedy, so to speak. I’m seriously losing touch on my movies, and when they are scheduled to launch.

I understand how irritating it must be for my friends when I’m earning an income [when some of them are jobless], yet I’m complaining of the little expenditure like watching movies, taking express buses and such, but I don’t totally abstain from what I call, "miscellaneous expenditure". Miscellaneous being, that it can be avoided if need be.

Just feeling a little weary of the increased bus fares, movie prices and the like, while my pay is fixated to be the only unchanged variable.

*****

Saw this pair of "robots" at Millenia Walk the other day. Found them to be quite professional, albeit the lunch partner’s blatant criticism that they did a bad job. Give them a break, will ya?

Heard from the radio regarding this pair from Thailand, performing at Millenia Walk for a limited time only. Not exactly sure what the performance is all about, though.

It’s ironical when you have manufacturers [especially from Japan or the USA] trying to personify robots, and here we have humans trying to mimick the jerky movements of the robots. It seems to teach us a certain moral: to be yourself. =)

*****

News bite: Anyone interested in breaking a world record for Singapore? Be at Tampines Primary School by 2.30pm next Sunday, 24th July. Regina please confirm the details! There would be 4,500 balloons for participants to burst, unfortunately, each person is limited to one balloon only.

The Guinness Record for this section is 2,500 balloons bursted in 10 seconds with bare hands, so Singapore wants to try to break this record.

This is organised by the Soka Organisation and I’m contemplating to partake, all in the name of fun. =) Anyone interested?

I just realised something. I was the one who took that picture of Anthony in his Friendster main picture.

The caption of his main picture reads, "…can any1 tell me who took this?" Why did I not realise this sooner? I came across that main picture of his, but I never did realise it was the one I took it with his new phone.

It was during dinner at Pastamania, Bugis, when we were all exchanging mobile phones to gawk and drool at, when I played with his phone. Took a photo of him to test the camera, and now my memory is finally coming back to me. =/ Why didn’t I realise it sooner?

*****

I just read a person’s blog which shocked me to bits. I finally got to know the girl he was interested in, whom he was telling me about some months back.

"Some things are best left unsaid but I never said I didnt want you because you didnt know how to ‘hong ren’. I wanted to explain to you but now I never will have a chance to. The hurt I feel among everyone save for your family is beyond what they imagine I can feel."

I am very, very shocked. It was someone that I know. It seems all so coincidental, because I had teased them together before [when I thought he might have liked her even though no names were mentioned]. Was I psychic? Or was I just super-sensitive and could get all the little vibes and happenings? Whether she was directly involved with his decision is beyond her, as well as beyond us to fathom.

Though very much perturbed by this piece of news, I do understand the emotional turmoil that she’s going through now…

We cannot change this cruel fact, and for all his friends and loved ones, there’s nothing much you can do except to move on and live a good life. Self-blaming, or pointing fingers won’t change anything at all. Take care.

He had left us on 11th July 2005. He is now resting at:

Mandai Columbarium
Block E, E1/03 #0119

Rest in peace, Mr Rainbow.

Don’t get me wrong. I was googling for something which I saw from Joyce’s blog.

The 4 stages of grief for loss of a loved one, as said in this website, are:
- Denial
- Guilt (Remembrance)
- Anger
- Acceptance

I’m somewhat alternating between the first and second stages. Even though I somehow knew that Mr Rainbow was not really as optimistic as his normal jovial personality self, I still cannot come to terms with his departure.

Your loved ones are likely to value your existence far more than than you value your own. Mr Rainbow, if you know that so many people are going to be upset regarding your departure, would you still have chosen to leave us? =/

I have never seen so many different batches of temps meeting up all at once, I would never have imagined that it would be for such a reason.

Had enough of tearing, I’m basically in a daze whenever I am alone, and whenever I get to have a conversation with my thoughts. Had the usual questions of why and whatnot.

Somehow, flashes of the past keeps coming back to haunt, and when I get reminded of his existence, I would sigh. Even after attending his wake, I still cannot bring myself to believe the fact that he’s gone.

Sidetrack: We were all born to die, and our journey on earth is like a holiday. It has been barely 5 months since my grandma left us, and my family is still coping with our loss even though we’ve all started to accept this fact that she had finished her holiday on earth. This is something we have to learn to accept, since old age was the cause of her demise, and there was not much "WHYs" to it. But for Mr Rainbow, his departure leaves us puzzled and remorseful that we might not have done enough for him, to show him that his existence was very much wanted.

I still remember the first KTV outing we had (with the older temps). I joined the company merely for a week, and I got to have so much fun with them. I remember how some of the girls teased Mr Rainbow (about his hair and eyebrows), and how they threatened to shave his eyebrows off. The KTV outing was rather enjoyable, and the girls teased him for not being able to keep to the tempo when he sang. It was nothing malicious and all good-natured fun.

I remember how we had this meeting organised at the HDB hub for the employers who wanted to learn more about the E-Submission. Joleen, Mr Rainbow and myself were the ones who went to help out with the logistics.

Who wouldn’t want a getaway from work, even if it meant doing some manual work and travelling far away?

We had some refreshments (which were meant for the employers) left untouched, so some of us took back a pack of 6 packet drinks, but Rainbow and I took a carton each (I was greedy). He kept the carton in his haversack whereas I carried it with a big plastic bag.

My arms sort of gave way, and I insisted that he take a pack (of 6 packets) from my carton. He obliged, and thereafter, we took the same bus (157) home. Being the gentleman that he was, he helped me carry my "luggage" up the bus without me requesting.

Then there were the fun times all of us had in CPF Board, where we would throw out lame quizzes and irritate the hell out of everyone when we didn’t give answers. And sometimes we would draw some weird doodles using MS Paint and then send them out to one another. We had no Internet access back then, and did all we could to keep ourselves entertained when there were free moments. Once I was helping to reply emails from one of the main inboxes. Halfway through, I got bored, and I played the flash version of "Who wants to be a Millionnaire?" Did a screenshot of the $1 million fake dollars (actually I edited the picture) after the game ended. It was all silly antics, and I wanted to forward that picture to the rest of the peeps, who were busy trying to hit the top score of $1 million and "show off" to the rest. I accidentally used the helpdesk’s email to send out instead of using my own.

Could not delete the sent email after I realised the big blunder, and I was in a frenzy. Rainbow came to my rescue when he taught me how to edit the sent mail into a blank email and forward to the same recipients, thereby overwriting the sent mail into a blank one. At least this was easily settled, unlike Rainbow, who made an even bigger blunder after I left the company: he sent a non-work-related email to the whole department, including the supervisor, manager and another big-shot in charge of the whole level.

Then there was my birthday celebration at Marche, Suntec. I had a photo of Rainbow and I together, and that was the only one. Now it is the last one I’ll ever have.

The last outing we had, was at Pastamania, Bugis. 8 of us were seated at 4 tables, with every 2 facing each other. I remembered how he came over to accompany me at my table when my table had only me (since the other guy was late), and the next table was seated with some of the new temps I’ve never met before (but communicated through mass emails before).

It was the first time Rainbow took a neoprint in his entire life. We had a pact that next time we would take more neoprints to make him less suaku (hokkien equivalent of blurness), and he would drag Joyce to a KTV outing, since she had never been to one before. 17th July’s KTV outing was organised a month ago. Did he forget that he was the organiser? Why? I was so looking forward to that outing! He always puts Dai Ai Ling’s Dui De Ren song lyrics in his MSN nick, and claimed that few people know that song after I chatted with him about it. I planned on singing that song on that day, to prove that I knew that song, and it wasn’t that rare after all.

I still remember how he claimed he should have the absolute ownership of that squarish, yellow emoticon [-.-] which I used often in MSN. I think it was the only emoticon that he copied from me, and he began to use emoticons more often, after the incident where I almost puked blood teaching him how to add a rainbow to his screen name.

Having to delete his email address from my mailing list was a dilemma. On one hand, I didn’t want to delete him from my memory, but on the other, he won’t be able to read it anyway.

All these seem so vague now, and every morning when I wake up, I would involuntarily get reminded of the cruel fact.

*****

He left nothing behind to explain why he wanted to leave. No notes, no explanation. It wouldn’t make us feel any better, but at least it would make us stop guessing and move on in life.

Some feel that leaving a suicide note may cause too much disturbance. They imagine how loved ones may huddle around the note and contemplate every word of it, how they might treat it with great care, or how after decades they would still cling to the note, which would serve as a constant reminder of one’s passing. Indeed these are sad visions, but what is the alternative? Not leaving a note might eliminate the huddle, but it may prolong the period of grief and make it more difficult. Without explanations or closure, people are likely to ponder for decades about the motivations for suicide and what might have been done to prevent it. This may cause more remembrance than if a note was left.

Furthermore, a note is not likely to be framed and put on a wall. It will probably be stashed away. Therefore there is no reason to believe that a note will contribute to remembrance. The physical aspects of how a note will be treated are disturbing, but the real test is how a note will affect the mental well-being of those left behind.

*****

Work seems to be relatively ok, and this recent sad news seems to remind myself to take things a lot easier. And not to induce so much stress upon myself.

The department had a meeting (which I did not attend), and my capability was being discussed, among other work issues. To them, I am "quite good" and "very efficient". =)

But I still hate red tapes.

I was happily watching my television and enjoying my durian when I receive the sms from Huiping (ex colleague of CPF Board), one which totally and literally froze time.

"Is this a joke?" and "Which Ant are you talking about?" were the thoughts which ran through my head. I message back, "Huh? What happened? Are you serious?!"

And then I quickly called the sender up since it was faster that way. She told me that Doreen and herself received a friendster message from Anthony’s friend, informing them of his demise this morning (11 July).

Initially, like everyone else, they thought it was just a prank, and they ignored the Friendster message. Hui Ping was online and messaged Anthony, only to be greeted by Anthony’s brother’s solemn replies, that he has a bad news about Anthony, who has committed suicide.

I notified a few people, and I went online, and saw that abovementioned message. Surfed through a few person’s testimonials to him, and randomly check on his frd’s blog. Saw one girl’s blog, where she blogged about the news that she heard this early morning.

Messaged "Anthony" on his MSN, and the same solemn messages from his brother appeared. And he also asked how we knew each other.

I broke down again upon seeing how truth was unfolding before me, that this isn’t any joke. Part of me still wish this was just a cruel joke, but no, it is not. He has left us forever.

It is painful, because I’m not at the age to see friends go. It is very devastating and saddening.

Why? We were supposed to meet up for KTV this Sunday, and the date was arranged long ago, and he was the organiser, so to speak (I requested for him to do the organising).

He was one of the recipients to my forward sms which I accidentally saved as draft instead of sending it out yesterday (10 July). Now I know he’ll never be able to read it.

I remember how we used to take turns to reply the exponentially growing inbox of the helpdesk. We sulked, we complained, and like the rest of the temps there, it was fun poking fun at the silly employers to ease ourselves of the boredom and frustration.

When we were both at the previous company, he would speak in depth about his Maple Story game with Huai Hsi, a perm staff at CPF. It was interesting to learn about their interest in the game, even though I don’t play that game myself.

He was the flower amongst the thorns, since there were more girls than guys at CPF Board. I remember how I would tease him, and he would turn all red and blushing. There were the often crapping and lame quizzes that we’ll all take turns to ask.

Once, I chatted with him on MSN, and then there was a message telling people to put a "rainbow" emoticon next to their screen names. I passed on this message to him, and I realised that he’s the only person I know who doesn’t know about emoticons. Hence, I tried to teach him how to add a rainbow emoticon to his nick, which was formed by (R). Because if I typed (R) the emoticon will appear, I had to type the alternatives for illustration purposes. I typed (r ), ( r) and and I told him to remove the space (for the first two), and change the brackets to round ones (for the last). He typed exactly as my demonstation in his nick! We struggled for a good 15 minutes or so, and eventually he finally got it! From then on, I called him Mr Rainbow, and emailed the joke to my CPF colleagues.

From then on, everyone called him Mr Rainbow, courtesy of me. He was someone who was always smiling with his tiny eyes. Once on my birthday this year, I took photos with a few of my ex colleagues, and I complained how small my eyes looked when juxtaposed with the others. Then Anthony and I took a photo together, which he commented that we were in the same boat, that we have small eyes and we won’t pale in comparison to each other!

He was a hardworking guy, having to hold a full-time job and a part-time degree. He was always the socialable but shy guy. Reponsible in his work, he never fails to deliver.

His blog doesn’t say much about him, but you can read it here. All of us might be swayed in a moment’s folly, but this is so real. From 11 pm, I’ve had a few MSN windows opened, most of them are with CPF ex-colleagues. Most of us sort of know about it, and therefore we didn’t converse much thereafter.

It was a total shock and disbelief for all of us. We’ll definitely miss him. No one really knows what happened, and there could only be conjectures. Stress does bring a person down to his weakest, and there’s only so much that loved ones and friends can do. Till now, I cannot believe nor fathom the truth that’s so apparant in my face.

He was never attached, but I don’t supposed it would be a good reason why he chose to leave all of us. Like I said, we can only make guesses, he has left us for good.

For all my friends who know Anthony, please take care of yourselves. To others, please treasure all those around you, for you would NEVER know what might happen the very next day.

I wish I could blog with more humour and wit. Who would want to read a long-winded blog? Though most bloggers proclaim that they blog for their own pleasure, there’s no doubt that we do aim to please, too. =D

If you lead a boring life like mine, I doubt there’s anything blog-worthy. As I quote Kenny Sia [one humourous Malaysian guy], "if you blog everyday, people say you have no life. If you don’t blog everyday, people say you’re running out of ideas."

He is one self-deprecating guy who writes about satirical jokes [mostly about himself though], all in the name of humour. Appended are more quotes from his blog entry.

If you write about your daily life, people will say that your daily life is very boring.

If you don’t post photos of yourself in your blog, people will say you’re an ugly-looking anonymous coward hiding behind the computer screen.
[more]

Does that make me a lifeless, attention-seeking bitch? =D His blog is one of those you shouldn’t miss if you’re looking for a daily dosage of quality-read and humour. Not that you can replace a nice book with a blog entry though.

I’ve had a friend tell me that she doesn’t visit my blog when she’s hungry, and I guess you know why that is so. [Note for the slow: That's because my blog contains lots of food images!]

*****

Anyhow, I spent $122 yesterday on luxury items yesterday. I consider them luxury items when they are something extra which if you hide from me, I might not realise nor find out.

Cut to the chase, I spent my money on clothes, bags [yeah, plural], movies etc. I’m a bag person, so if you run out of ideas on what to give me during major festivals and birthdays, you’re always welcomed to buy me bags. I think I’m starting to develop a fetish for bags. It’s bad, when you have bags you don’t use for more than 5 times? Someone slap me sober!

Met up with Suaku [as you wish! :p] to watch Initial D, and man, Jay simply cannot act! To give him his due credit, he does pull it off with his cool personality. The character in that show is a very nonchalant guy who initially cares nothing about fame and winning [car racing].

Many people have said it, but I’m gonna spell it out again, that Jay couldn’t carry out that scene where he saw his girlfriend bidding farewell to a middle-aged guy in a Mercedes car. He cried, and in my opinion, he reminds me of a small boy whose toys were just snatched by an elder brother.

I enjoyed the show, because it was funny and there was the cute Edison [a young replica of Andy Lau]! So in the show, Takumi [starred by Jay] drives his father’s AE86 [cannot remember the make of the car] to deliver tofu. He gets faster and faster, and those tofu remain intact, till one day he had an accident, and their tofu got smashed.

The father placed a cup of water in his car, warning him of the trouble he would get into, if he spilled any drop of water. So it was a type of training for him. Car modification seems interesting!

Catch it if you can, though some people may claim that watching Chinese shows is a waste of money, since it gets aired on TV pretty soon after.

And to add, I was pretty annoyed by a stupid sentence in that show [guess?], which I recognise was in someone’s nick. -.-"

Anyway, I was supposed to watch Initial D on Thursday in the same week, but plans changed, and so I manage to catch it with Suaku instead. =P

Suaku was supposed to buy something for a friend as a birthday gift, but in the end we didn’t buy anything at all. -.-"

Later in the day, I met up with my Mum to watch Fantastic 4. It was another lame, but splendid and funny show. I wasn’t aware of how the quadriad were formed prior to the movie, despite watching their cartoons before.

It was the usual superheros against the baddies, but in the case of Fantastic 4, they are human beings who got to be "heros" unexpectedly, and very much unwantedly, especially by Ben, whose body were made up of solid rock!

He was the only one who couldn’t turn off his "special" skill, whereas all the others could, so naturally he didn’t want to be in his pathetic state and be ostracised.

One touching scene was how he regained his previous appearance through the help of a machine and Mr Baddie, but decide to step into it again to be in his rocky self in order to save a fellow Fantastic 4.

*****

Friday I was out with the babes from CPF [Joleen, Yvonne and Julie] for a night of chilling out. Went for a rendezvous, oops, I mean, dinner at Rendezvous Hotel’s Sushi Don. My first time at Sushi Don, though I’ve eaten at Rendezvous Hotel before [the restaurant, mind you].

They were late for like 45 minutes?! The usual late queen [me] was quite on time this time round!

I was so bored I took this image when I was waiting for the babes’ arrival.

I ordered, erm, well forget it, I’m never good with Japanese names, even when it comes to food. Basically, this is fried chicken!

And a palate of Sushi and salad.

*****

Wanted to visit Acid Bar for some drinks [except for Julie], but it was way too crowded, so we decided to be on our way instead.

Got home all tired and mentally drained that I hit the sacks right after my bath. Oh wait, did I forget to bathe?! I’m sure I did. =X

It’s such a waste when I didn’t sleep late on Friday and Saturday nights, since these were the only 2 days which I could sleep late! But anyhow, I’m glad I paid back my sleep debts, don’t want to be caught yawning at work due to lack of sleep!! Hehe.