Serendipity

Don’t get me wrong. I was googling for something which I saw from Joyce’s blog.

The 4 stages of grief for loss of a loved one, as said in this website, are:
- Denial
- Guilt (Remembrance)
- Anger
- Acceptance

I’m somewhat alternating between the first and second stages. Even though I somehow knew that Mr Rainbow was not really as optimistic as his normal jovial personality self, I still cannot come to terms with his departure.

Your loved ones are likely to value your existence far more than than you value your own. Mr Rainbow, if you know that so many people are going to be upset regarding your departure, would you still have chosen to leave us? =/

I have never seen so many different batches of temps meeting up all at once, I would never have imagined that it would be for such a reason.

Had enough of tearing, I’m basically in a daze whenever I am alone, and whenever I get to have a conversation with my thoughts. Had the usual questions of why and whatnot.

Somehow, flashes of the past keeps coming back to haunt, and when I get reminded of his existence, I would sigh. Even after attending his wake, I still cannot bring myself to believe the fact that he’s gone.

Sidetrack: We were all born to die, and our journey on earth is like a holiday. It has been barely 5 months since my grandma left us, and my family is still coping with our loss even though we’ve all started to accept this fact that she had finished her holiday on earth. This is something we have to learn to accept, since old age was the cause of her demise, and there was not much "WHYs" to it. But for Mr Rainbow, his departure leaves us puzzled and remorseful that we might not have done enough for him, to show him that his existence was very much wanted.

I still remember the first KTV outing we had (with the older temps). I joined the company merely for a week, and I got to have so much fun with them. I remember how some of the girls teased Mr Rainbow (about his hair and eyebrows), and how they threatened to shave his eyebrows off. The KTV outing was rather enjoyable, and the girls teased him for not being able to keep to the tempo when he sang. It was nothing malicious and all good-natured fun.

I remember how we had this meeting organised at the HDB hub for the employers who wanted to learn more about the E-Submission. Joleen, Mr Rainbow and myself were the ones who went to help out with the logistics.

Who wouldn’t want a getaway from work, even if it meant doing some manual work and travelling far away?

We had some refreshments (which were meant for the employers) left untouched, so some of us took back a pack of 6 packet drinks, but Rainbow and I took a carton each (I was greedy). He kept the carton in his haversack whereas I carried it with a big plastic bag.

My arms sort of gave way, and I insisted that he take a pack (of 6 packets) from my carton. He obliged, and thereafter, we took the same bus (157) home. Being the gentleman that he was, he helped me carry my "luggage" up the bus without me requesting.

Then there were the fun times all of us had in CPF Board, where we would throw out lame quizzes and irritate the hell out of everyone when we didn’t give answers. And sometimes we would draw some weird doodles using MS Paint and then send them out to one another. We had no Internet access back then, and did all we could to keep ourselves entertained when there were free moments. Once I was helping to reply emails from one of the main inboxes. Halfway through, I got bored, and I played the flash version of "Who wants to be a Millionnaire?" Did a screenshot of the $1 million fake dollars (actually I edited the picture) after the game ended. It was all silly antics, and I wanted to forward that picture to the rest of the peeps, who were busy trying to hit the top score of $1 million and "show off" to the rest. I accidentally used the helpdesk’s email to send out instead of using my own.

Could not delete the sent email after I realised the big blunder, and I was in a frenzy. Rainbow came to my rescue when he taught me how to edit the sent mail into a blank email and forward to the same recipients, thereby overwriting the sent mail into a blank one. At least this was easily settled, unlike Rainbow, who made an even bigger blunder after I left the company: he sent a non-work-related email to the whole department, including the supervisor, manager and another big-shot in charge of the whole level.

Then there was my birthday celebration at Marche, Suntec. I had a photo of Rainbow and I together, and that was the only one. Now it is the last one I’ll ever have.

The last outing we had, was at Pastamania, Bugis. 8 of us were seated at 4 tables, with every 2 facing each other. I remembered how he came over to accompany me at my table when my table had only me (since the other guy was late), and the next table was seated with some of the new temps I’ve never met before (but communicated through mass emails before).

It was the first time Rainbow took a neoprint in his entire life. We had a pact that next time we would take more neoprints to make him less suaku (hokkien equivalent of blurness), and he would drag Joyce to a KTV outing, since she had never been to one before. 17th July’s KTV outing was organised a month ago. Did he forget that he was the organiser? Why? I was so looking forward to that outing! He always puts Dai Ai Ling’s Dui De Ren song lyrics in his MSN nick, and claimed that few people know that song after I chatted with him about it. I planned on singing that song on that day, to prove that I knew that song, and it wasn’t that rare after all.

I still remember how he claimed he should have the absolute ownership of that squarish, yellow emoticon [-.-] which I used often in MSN. I think it was the only emoticon that he copied from me, and he began to use emoticons more often, after the incident where I almost puked blood teaching him how to add a rainbow to his screen name.

Having to delete his email address from my mailing list was a dilemma. On one hand, I didn’t want to delete him from my memory, but on the other, he won’t be able to read it anyway.

All these seem so vague now, and every morning when I wake up, I would involuntarily get reminded of the cruel fact.

*****

He left nothing behind to explain why he wanted to leave. No notes, no explanation. It wouldn’t make us feel any better, but at least it would make us stop guessing and move on in life.

Some feel that leaving a suicide note may cause too much disturbance. They imagine how loved ones may huddle around the note and contemplate every word of it, how they might treat it with great care, or how after decades they would still cling to the note, which would serve as a constant reminder of one’s passing. Indeed these are sad visions, but what is the alternative? Not leaving a note might eliminate the huddle, but it may prolong the period of grief and make it more difficult. Without explanations or closure, people are likely to ponder for decades about the motivations for suicide and what might have been done to prevent it. This may cause more remembrance than if a note was left.

Furthermore, a note is not likely to be framed and put on a wall. It will probably be stashed away. Therefore there is no reason to believe that a note will contribute to remembrance. The physical aspects of how a note will be treated are disturbing, but the real test is how a note will affect the mental well-being of those left behind.

*****

Work seems to be relatively ok, and this recent sad news seems to remind myself to take things a lot easier. And not to induce so much stress upon myself.

The department had a meeting (which I did not attend), and my capability was being discussed, among other work issues. To them, I am "quite good" and "very efficient". =)

But I still hate red tapes.

This entry was posted on Friday, July 15th, 2005 at 8:41 pm and is filed under Inner Thoughts. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.